As I write this I have tears dropping on my laptop! It's one of those nights. I'm sure many mommies can attest to having "a moment" when you really are feeling down on yourself for one reason or another. This night and day in particular has been getting to me. It's probably because I have been nursing my family back to health all weekend long and still Cohen remains sick. I'm frustrated, exhausted, and upset. Since last Thursday I've been taking care of everyone in this house except for myself. Ryan, Isla, and Cohen all had pretty bad colds, but Cohen really took a step back during this one.
Tonight I was planning to relax and hop on a national call for my jewelry company( C &I) with a glass of red wine in hand while Ryan was at the gym. Instead I spent over an hour trying to comfort Cohen and remind Isla to go back to sleep. Cohen has remained sick even when both Ryan and Isla have overcame their illness this past weekend. He is sensitive and fragile again and it reminds me all too much of the days we spent back in the hospital. I want to take away his pain, cough for him, and take on his fevers but I can't. It's so frustrating to watch your little guy go through so much day in and out while you remain healthy and feeling great. I know I need to be strong for him but tonight as I sat rocking him in the rocking chair, my mind started racing.
"What if this is going to be our lives forever?"
"How can I divide my time and energy equally between both kids?"
"How can we get through this?"
"Why does he have to struggle so much and how is that justified?"
It's been over 14 months and though we have made huge gains and he's soared leaps and bounds in some areas, sometimes I find myself sulking over accomplishments he still hasn't made yet. Seeing babies his age talking, walking and eating, remind me that he just isn't there yet. Worry sets in and I find myself in a panic as to when these things will happen for him. He is coughing in my arms and ends up vomiting all of his food onto his sleep sack. This has been our routine for the past week. He has not been tolerating his food, coughs, has a runny nose, and at one point even had a 106.3 fever (yes I couldn't believe it myself and expected a hospital trip, but doc insisted we could get over this at home and we did!) Being as sensitive as he is, a normal cold is not your typical series of events. He can't really take any medicine via mouth yet, is uninterested in eating/drinking anything, and needs to sleep with oxygen still so it's that much harder to keep his nose clear to breath while congested. His motility seems to be jeopardized when he gets sick as well, which highly effects how much food he can tolerate through his feeding tube. A small little cold that Isla had is a much bigger concern for Cohen.
This is more of a venting post, but I just had to get it out there. This is for any momma who has had her moments, whether it was a toddler's tantrum, or not having time to shower or eat lunch. Everyone is entitled to having one of these moments every once in awhile and that was mine!
Good Night :)